Let Me Go

I haven’t written in so long because I feel like a fraud. This site is a platform for me to share what it’s like living a “spoken for life”, a life where I put God first and live accordingly. After my little mental detox in August, I thought I’d be refreshed and closer to a spiritual breakthrough but the truth is, I feel like I am starting to sink. Like I have moved further away from who God is transforming me into.

This is tough for me to write, being vulnerable and honest in this way is kind of crushing, but not for the reason you think. It’s not that I try to hide this from the world, it’s that I like to keep this from myself as well.

I am a pit of un-forgiveness and anger. A well of animosity that turns into self-loathing at best, outward hatred for others at my worst. Big ups to my boyfriend who usually bears the brunt of it.

I have tried so many ways to let go of it over the years. The amount of prayers that I have prayed, hours of crying to God into the night, long conversations with my abusers letting them know I forgive them…but it always creeps back up on me, and I realize there is no letting this go. I can be fine for months at a time and one small moment will pull me back…all the way back.

One moment I am just having a conversation with someone, and they’ll ask me something and I’ll continue on with the conversation, but in my mind I am too young to remember my age, and my mom is asking me if her boyfriend can “play with me” to “teach me things”. She is saying it like it’s a normal thing we are going to do and I am so confused, and I look to her and I think I am supposed to say yes, so I do.

I am washing my hair in the shower, or even worse, washing my daughter’s hair and I close my eyes and I am eight and I barely see my mom. She works two jobs, first from 7am-12pm then from 3-11pm. On her days off she sleeps all day from being up the whole night before drinking and chain smoking cigarettes while playing solitaire on the computer next to the bed I share with my sister. My sister takes care of me. She makes sure I am clean and fed, does my hair. But this night my mom is home, and she is going to wash my hair. She combs through my curls and I feel loved, like we are bonding. She puts one of her pajamas on me, then sends me into her room where her boyfriend is waiting for me.

The worst for me is the tender moments with my significant other. A whisper in my ear, a gentle caress along my neck, if done unexpectedly will transport me back to unwanted touches and neck rubs that were supposed to be comforting but only served to repulse me.

These beautiful moments I should enjoy are stolen from me, by something that took place more than fifteen years ago. There is no letting go.

I commend all those who rise above being sexually abused. They don’t call us survivors for nothing. I know it’s a little different for everyone, but trauma is trauma. We wake up everyday and decide to not be broken that day, to go out into the world and be productive and try to love others, even though our minds are a jumble of negativity and mistrust. The lasting effects of it can be lived through, we can go to therapy, support groups, we can learn how to cope and with time, we grow and we heal.

I feel like I go through these things in cycles. I forgive, I grow, I let go, I heal. I hurt, I lash out, I feel all the pain again, I break again. I give it over to God, again. Everything happens all over again.

This past month I have been hiding from my site. I had nothing jovial to say. No life lesson, or scripture to share because usually when I am hiding from my truths, I am hiding from God too. Big mistake, I know. Why not give my hurt to the ultimate healer, right ? I am constantly doing this.

I listened to a sermon earlier this week that mentioned forgiveness, the pastor mentioned that Jesus Himself tells us in Matthew 6 that if we do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will the Father forgive ours. This has always bothered me deeply, but I get it. God is just. This has also motivated me to forgive in the past. It feels better on my soul when I do forgive, I feel peace in my spirit. But what does it mean when the anger grows again within me after time? How many times do I have to give this over to God and let go of this for it to be done with, for it to let go of me ?

Through it all, I am the woman I am today with the dreams, vision, and strength to accomplish what God has tasked me not in spite of my abuse, but because of it. I ended with a hard question and no real advice, but I hope this still helps someone. You are not alone. If you have been sexually abused please reach out to me through email and I can help you find the support you need. Thank you.